*** 14 days ago ***
I wait until that feeling takes over, that complete and utter emptiness. I wait until I feel completely alone, until it hurts my heart. I wait until the worries and the panic and the helplessness devours me and I cannot breathe on my own.
Why? Why do I do this to my body? I know how to think logically and realistically, but I prefer to torture myself. You can see it already… how long ago since my last blog, since the last time I felt confident enough to speak about darkness? Fuck. I can see it, I can tell you everything I will do before it has even happened. It sneaks up on me… it eats me alive… I start to sink… I drown… I can’t see anything other than blackness… It is the scariest and saddest feeling… But then… I see a little bit of light… The sun… Happiness… Normality… Change… Lets just forget all that, come on, YOU GOT THIS! I continue doing it, repeat the same steps over and over and over. WHY?
This darkness is growing. I can feel it wrapping its claws around me and I don’t know how to stop it or change or even understand. I sound like a different person – why don’t I know how to change this? A few years ago I would have had a serious word with myself… “Come on now, sort it out. You have everything, look around you. You love yourself, you are proud of yourself – remember?” But now I forget. It starts and I forget those beautiful words and then I’m lost. Just like that. BAM!
I don’t know when it starts and I don’t know when it ends. Suddenly I am inside the darkness. And just as quickly I’m back to normal. Click. Just like that and I am perfectly ‘normal’ again.
*** Today ***
I have made changes.
- I have been to the doctors and asked to be referred for counselling. I asked even though he looked in his Doctor Manual and told me there is no link between mood changes and hyperthyroidism. I asked even though he said “they will try to find the root cause and with this case its an illness… that’s not a problem”. I asked even though he thinks staying in bed for days, a complete personality change and my Work Geek disappearing months ago isn’t anything to be concerned about. I asked because I know something is wrong.
- I called a meeting with my Director today. I explained to her I want to grow and learn and flourish, but my current job is holding me back. I have outgrown the position and THAT IS FINE… but now I want more. I told her what my salary expectations are, I told her what my dreams are and absolutely shit myself through the whole 2 hour meeting. But I asked for a change.
These are major.
I have asked for help and guidance. Something I would never have done 2 years ago, but something that I now know I cannot do alone… because I’m not Superwoman unfortunately!
The emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the unexplainable hasn’t been back for two weeks. Two weeks and I have changed my little world around. I am continuing to look out for things that might make me happy but I am no longer attempting to ‘fix’ me.
But that might change again tomorrow… fingers crossed!