The Darkness

The_Darkness_Wall_By_Kon_2560X1600

*** 14 days ago ***

I wait.

I wait until that feeling takes over, that complete and utter emptiness. I wait until I feel completely alone, until it hurts my heart. I wait until the worries and the panic and the helplessness devours me and I cannot breathe on my own.

Why? Why do I do this to my body? I know how to think logically and realistically, but I prefer to torture myself. You can see it already… how long ago since my last blog, since the last time I felt confident enough to speak about darkness? Fuck. I can see it, I can tell you everything I will do before it has even happened. It sneaks up on me… it eats me alive… I start to sink… I drown… I can’t see anything other than blackness… It is the scariest and saddest feeling… But then… I see a little bit of light… The sun… Happiness… Normality… Change… Lets just forget all that, come on, YOU GOT THIS! I continue doing it, repeat the same steps over and over and over. WHY?

This darkness is growing. I can feel it wrapping its claws around me and I don’t know how to stop it or change or even understand. I sound like a different person – why don’t I know how to change this? A few years ago I would have had a serious word with myself… “Come on now, sort it out. You have everything, look around you. You love yourself, you are proud of yourself – remember?” But now I forget. It starts and I forget those beautiful words and then I’m lost. Just like that. BAM!

I don’t know when it starts and I don’t know when it ends. Suddenly I am inside the darkness. And just as quickly I’m back to normal. Click. Just like that and I am perfectly ‘normal’ again.

*** Today ***

I have made changes.

  • I have been to the doctors and asked to be referred for counselling. I asked even though he looked in his Doctor Manual and told me there is no link between mood changes and hyperthyroidism. I asked even though he said “they will try to find the root cause and with this case its an illness… that’s not a problem”. I asked even though he thinks staying in bed for days, a complete personality change and my Work Geek disappearing months ago isn’t anything to be concerned about. I asked because I know something is wrong.
  • I called a meeting with my Director today. I explained to her I want to grow and learn and flourish, but my current job is holding me back. I have outgrown the position and THAT IS FINE… but now I want more. I told her what my salary expectations are, I told her what my dreams are and absolutely shit myself through the whole 2 hour meeting. But I asked for a change.

These are major.

FUCKING MAJOR!

I have asked for help and guidance. Something I would never have done 2 years ago, but something that I now know I cannot do alone… because I’m not Superwoman unfortunately!

The emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the unexplainable hasn’t been back for two weeks. Two weeks and I have changed my little world around. I am continuing to look out for things that might make me happy but I am no longer attempting to ‘fix’ me.

But that might change again tomorrow… fingers crossed!

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A week off work…

eternity-1

I am on holiday.

A week off work… thank god! I love my job, honestly I do but you just need that break don’t you. Some time where you have no responsibilities, nobody is waiting for anything and you don’t have to keep that smile on your face right up until 4.30pm.

We are going away at the weekend, a little break to Glasgow before we have to start the slog all over again. I have found cute vintage shops, green museum gardens, steak houses, cabaret nights, beautiful bars… the list goes on. I am going to be in  heaven!

I decided the few days leading up to going away I was going to relax, slow down a bit, remember what it was like when I was 8 years old and the six week summer holidays felt like an eternity. I wanted that feeling. Sleeping in late and opening the curtains to BRIGHT LIGHT! Eating big breakfasts at 11am and staying in my pants till 3pm. Mooching around the house, maybe cleaning the bathroom or doing that thing I should have done last month. Read. Knit. Drink gin in the day time. Just be bloody indulgent.

The plans in my head were supposed to be executed without a hitch. I would just fall into this lifestyle of a retired millionaire with ease, realise this is who I am supposed to be after all… call work and quit!! It just wasn’t that simple though…

My beautiful brain. The gooey thing inside my skull that ticks ever so quietly in the background.

Saturday morning: I woke feeling groggy. I had a sadness right in the pit of my stomach, unexplainable, unreasonable, but very much there. Do I ignore it? Do I try to cover it up? Do I run and hide? FUCK! This wasn’t supposed to happen on the first day of my holiday! I was supposed to be bouncy, care free, millionaire-like.

Now this is new, it’s a whole new thing that has bubbled up over the past 6 months (is it my tablets, is it the weather, is it just me?) and I am finding it hard to explain all the things I don’t yet understand to my love. My love who only wants to see my smile and laugh. My love, who would do anything to make it better, tried so hard all day to turn my un-millionaire-like day into a sparkly first-day-of-summer-princess-unicorn-extraveganza!

But I couldn’t get there.

How do you explain that?

How do you say to someone, or even to yourself that today is a shit day, no reason why but it is shit. I want to curl up and over think everything. I want to be alone. I want you to hold me. I want my mum. I want to be 5 years old. I want to grow old and not have these worries anymore. I want to be numb. I want you to see inside my head. I want to pretend everything’s fine. Everything is fine. It is not fine.

In the end I drank two glasses of gin, grapefruit and tonic because I could no longer bare to listen to my own thoughts.

This happened again on Sunday.

And again on Monday.

Tuesday: We woke up at 10am. We ate a big breakfast of eggs, avocados, mushrooms, tomatoes, toast, tea and orange juice. I made the bed, and hoovered the two spare rooms because they haven’t been cleaned in months. I got dressed, and did my hair the way I like it, right on top of my head with big ringlets hanging down. I painted on my eyebrows, thick and brown, and used my new blush pink lip stain. I danced around the kitchen in my favourite bra and we kissed and talked about how in love we are. We drove an hour and fifteen to my grandma and grandads house in the moors. We laughed, drank so much tea and ate biscuits. My grandma taught my love how to knit and she piled our car with lampshades, cardigans and high waisted knickers that she thought she wanted but now doesn’t. I took hundreds of photos and videos of my grandad on all the snapchat filters, and I laughed at how much he laughed. We drove all the back home, listening to radio 1 and singing / car dancing to hip hop. We fell on the sofa, ate nachos and chilli and watched a film about McDonalds. I clutched my grandads hankie the whole day and fell asleep in my lovers soft arms still holding it.

It was the perfect holiday day. I was that 8 year old girl whose day lasted an eternity. I went all over my world and I dropped down in my big bed at the end of the day, exhausted but chattering about how lucky I am to have such beautiful people right here. I was that millionaire lady, retired, and content. It was my perfect holiday day.

Wednesday: One eye open… FINGERS CROSSED!