The Darkness

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*** 14 days ago ***

I wait.

I wait until that feeling takes over, that complete and utter emptiness. I wait until I feel completely alone, until it hurts my heart. I wait until the worries and the panic and the helplessness devours me and I cannot breathe on my own.

Why? Why do I do this to my body? I know how to think logically and realistically, but I prefer to torture myself. You can see it already… how long ago since my last blog, since the last time I felt confident enough to speak about darkness? Fuck. I can see it, I can tell you everything I will do before it has even happened. It sneaks up on me… it eats me alive… I start to sink… I drown… I can’t see anything other than blackness… It is the scariest and saddest feeling… But then… I see a little bit of light… The sun… Happiness… Normality… Change… Lets just forget all that, come on, YOU GOT THIS! I continue doing it, repeat the same steps over and over and over. WHY?

This darkness is growing. I can feel it wrapping its claws around me and I don’t know how to stop it or change or even understand. I sound like a different person – why don’t I know how to change this? A few years ago I would have had a serious word with myself… “Come on now, sort it out. You have everything, look around you. You love yourself, you are proud of yourself – remember?” But now I forget. It starts and I forget those beautiful words and then I’m lost. Just like that. BAM!

I don’t know when it starts and I don’t know when it ends. Suddenly I am inside the darkness. And just as quickly I’m back to normal. Click. Just like that and I am perfectly ‘normal’ again.

*** Today ***

I have made changes.

  • I have been to the doctors and asked to be referred for counselling. I asked even though he looked in his Doctor Manual and told me there is no link between mood changes and hyperthyroidism. I asked even though he said “they will try to find the root cause and with this case its an illness… that’s not a problem”. I asked even though he thinks staying in bed for days, a complete personality change and my Work Geek disappearing months ago isn’t anything to be concerned about. I asked because I know something is wrong.
  • I called a meeting with my Director today. I explained to her I want to grow and learn and flourish, but my current job is holding me back. I have outgrown the position and THAT IS FINE… but now I want more. I told her what my salary expectations are, I told her what my dreams are and absolutely shit myself through the whole 2 hour meeting. But I asked for a change.

These are major.

FUCKING MAJOR!

I have asked for help and guidance. Something I would never have done 2 years ago, but something that I now know I cannot do alone… because I’m not Superwoman unfortunately!

The emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the unexplainable hasn’t been back for two weeks. Two weeks and I have changed my little world around. I am continuing to look out for things that might make me happy but I am no longer attempting to ‘fix’ me.

But that might change again tomorrow… fingers crossed!

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Loneliness…

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Loneliness:

Sadness because one has no friends or company.

The quality of being unfrequented and remote, isolation.

Loneliness is probably one of the main reasons I decided 2017 was going to be different. Last year I fell in love, and chose to move away from everything I knew because I had realised that life is too short to waste on fitting in around others. The year previous I had fallen out of a destructive relationship (I did not know this at the time) and I promised myself I would not let myself be ruled by anyone else. I didn’t want to waste anymore time making decisions based on what my friends thought, what my lover thought, what my family thought.

Anyway, I fell in love and I moved away.

I am happy. I know I am loved. I have a perfect life. I love her.

But I am so incredibly lonely.

Don’t go thinking I moved half way across the world – I didn’t. It’s maybe an hours drive up the motorway to my mama’s house, another 30 minutes to my dads. The thing is I don’t have anyone just here… Nobody to nip in and see after work… No one to call round on a Sunday morning for brunch…

It seems silly, to talk about it out loud. And a thousand things fly through my head when I feel like this (‘you’re and idiot, you have everything/but you are loved/just get in the car and drive over to see your pals/it must be the tablets that make you feel like this/GET A GRIP‘), but the truth is the pain I feel inside when I really do have time to think about this gap in my life is immense.

It bubbles up all around me. It sucks me in and I can’t see clearly. It makes everything else appear less sparkly. Then I feel guilty for letting these silly thoughts scribble over everything I have now. How can this happen? How can a confident, funny, ambitious girl like me have these destructive thoughts about being alone?

This is why I am actively changing 2017. I am going out there. I am doing things I would never have dreamed of needing to do. I am making choices and plans to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I want to do it, just me. I don’t need my love to help me along, I can do this on my own.

I have come to realise that it isn’t a bad thing to want a change in your life, and if something happens that changes the direction you thought you were going in then you CAN change direction again. And again. And again!

So where are we now… February 2017. So far I have:

  • Joined a yoga and wellbeing group (never EVER having done yoga before, it was kinda weird. I thought I would have time to chin wag… no! Instead I copied everyone windmill swinging their arms for a warm up, and did a strange mouth stretch ending with an extended laugh/yawn before we fully dived into tree moves, elephant walks and signs to the sun?!)
  • Signed up to an online pen-pal website… again strange experience. I wrote my bio, re-read it a thousand times to make sure the world knew I just wanted to chat about Harry Potter / gin / Netflix, and finally posted my ad. WELL! This is why we have stranger danger isn’t it. Bloody hell! 100% of the replies I received genuinely were an attempt to marry me. I mean come on!
  • Opened a second WordPress account… going well so far. I am still feeling the euphoric buzz that is writing for the world. However, a few weeks this may be different.

I am so happy with my progress. I mean I am learning along the way, don’t get me wrong (lets leave the pen-pal site well alone!). I have yet to make new life long friends however, I am sure this will happen in time (someone told me after uni the next time you make friends is when you have a baby… I’ll ask my love what she thinks?!)

What can I add to my list for the year?

I’ll keep you updated 🙂