The Darkness

The_Darkness_Wall_By_Kon_2560X1600

*** 14 days ago ***

I wait.

I wait until that feeling takes over, that complete and utter emptiness. I wait until I feel completely alone, until it hurts my heart. I wait until the worries and the panic and the helplessness devours me and I cannot breathe on my own.

Why? Why do I do this to my body? I know how to think logically and realistically, but I prefer to torture myself. You can see it already… how long ago since my last blog, since the last time I felt confident enough to speak about darkness? Fuck. I can see it, I can tell you everything I will do before it has even happened. It sneaks up on me… it eats me alive… I start to sink… I drown… I can’t see anything other than blackness… It is the scariest and saddest feeling… But then… I see a little bit of light… The sun… Happiness… Normality… Change… Lets just forget all that, come on, YOU GOT THIS! I continue doing it, repeat the same steps over and over and over. WHY?

This darkness is growing. I can feel it wrapping its claws around me and I don’t know how to stop it or change or even understand. I sound like a different person – why don’t I know how to change this? A few years ago I would have had a serious word with myself… “Come on now, sort it out. You have everything, look around you. You love yourself, you are proud of yourself – remember?” But now I forget. It starts and I forget those beautiful words and then I’m lost. Just like that. BAM!

I don’t know when it starts and I don’t know when it ends. Suddenly I am inside the darkness. And just as quickly I’m back to normal. Click. Just like that and I am perfectly ‘normal’ again.

*** Today ***

I have made changes.

  • I have been to the doctors and asked to be referred for counselling. I asked even though he looked in his Doctor Manual and told me there is no link between mood changes and hyperthyroidism. I asked even though he said “they will try to find the root cause and with this case its an illness… that’s not a problem”. I asked even though he thinks staying in bed for days, a complete personality change and my Work Geek disappearing months ago isn’t anything to be concerned about. I asked because I know something is wrong.
  • I called a meeting with my Director today. I explained to her I want to grow and learn and flourish, but my current job is holding me back. I have outgrown the position and THAT IS FINE… but now I want more. I told her what my salary expectations are, I told her what my dreams are and absolutely shit myself through the whole 2 hour meeting. But I asked for a change.

These are major.

FUCKING MAJOR!

I have asked for help and guidance. Something I would never have done 2 years ago, but something that I now know I cannot do alone… because I’m not Superwoman unfortunately!

The emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the unexplainable hasn’t been back for two weeks. Two weeks and I have changed my little world around. I am continuing to look out for things that might make me happy but I am no longer attempting to ‘fix’ me.

But that might change again tomorrow… fingers crossed!

The first one…

blogging-insideBlogging is a weird thing, right?

You feel empowered because you are writing from your heart. You feel a little embarrassed because you really are writing from the heart. You feel self-conscious. Maybe lonely. Or are you the one who is completely bewildered that nobody else feels the way you feel so you have to get it all out there or you will burst into flames!

I go through all the usual feelings when I post (strength, empowerment, joy, worry, embarrassment, self-hatred), and it usually ends up in me hiding for a few months and then deleting my account a few months after that. I get this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach – that no one actually cares about what I am saying. Do I matter to anyone else?

Today I came to the conclusion (I know, I know… it took me a while!) that it doesn’t matter who reads what I post. It really doesn’t matter. Blogging doesn’t have to be for an audience, it can be for me. Just me.

I decided in January that I am going to do things for me. Things that make me happy 🙂 And although blogging wasn’t my number one, it definitely was on the list. So I am back. Alongside some other new activities in my life, 2017 is the year I shall blog my life away – how bloody exciting!

So, this is the post to find out a little about me, and then we just crack on right?

  • Two years ago I set up a WordPress for the very first time. I was going through the worlds worst break up… I am not exaggerating in the slightest. No one could ever understand because no one had ever experienced any of the hurt and sadness that I felt during those few months… NO ONE! Then I deleted it because I suddenly realised EVERYONE had felt heartache in some way (remember that chocolate bar you saved behind the milk bottle in the fridge… and your brother ate it an hour ago!).
  • After graduating in Criminal Psychology at 21 years of age I stuck with what I knew… and worked in retail! I hated it, but I was good at my job and I earned money (which turned really quickly into prosecco and skinny jeans!). Last year I decided it was finally my time to turn my back on everything viscose and I accidentally dropped into the best job in the world! I now support families of sick children – I still find it hard to believe that I am doing something like this. I was always the girl who didn’t really know what she wanted to be when she was older, I was happy to let my barbies do the hard work, all I had to do was move their legs!
  • I have three brothers. My parents broke up when I was 4. I have curly hair and blue eyes. Last year I suddenly felt tired… my usual scatty behaviour started ending with my body crashing. I started to eat every two hours just to stay focused and I slept way past the usual seven hours I had trained my body to accept. Turns out I wasn’t dying but I had Hyperthyroidism. Now I take tablets everyday, in 18 months I will know whether my brain has fixed the problem or if I need radioactivity / surgery to rid my body forever of the thyroid gland that refuses to do its job!
  • My girlfriend bought her first house last year. I moved in too. I’m telling everyone it’s my first house as well. I gathered if I pay half the mortgage every month it will soon build up… eventually I’ll own the bathroom tiles. Or maybe even a window!
    This is me.

My blogs will be about nothing in particular but to me they will be my world.

I’m 24 years old and I do believe that up until this point I have made a lot of decisions based on what those around me would think or feel. It is very empowering to consciously think ‘It Is Me Who Wants To Do This’. And I think I am doing well so far. Here’s to blogging…