Sadness because one has no friends or company.
The quality of being unfrequented and remote, isolation.
Loneliness is probably one of the main reasons I decided 2017 was going to be different. Last year I fell in love, and chose to move away from everything I knew because I had realised that life is too short to waste on fitting in around others. The year previous I had fallen out of a destructive relationship (I did not know this at the time) and I promised myself I would not let myself be ruled by anyone else. I didn’t want to waste anymore time making decisions based on what my friends thought, what my lover thought, what my family thought.
Anyway, I fell in love and I moved away.
I am happy. I know I am loved. I have a perfect life. I love her.
But I am so incredibly lonely.
Don’t go thinking I moved half way across the world – I didn’t. It’s maybe an hours drive up the motorway to my mama’s house, another 30 minutes to my dads. The thing is I don’t have anyone just here… Nobody to nip in and see after work… No one to call round on a Sunday morning for brunch…
It seems silly, to talk about it out loud. And a thousand things fly through my head when I feel like this (‘you’re and idiot, you have everything‘ / ‘but you are loved‘ / ‘just get in the car and drive over to see your pals‘ / ‘it must be the tablets that make you feel like this‘ / ‘GET A GRIP‘), but the truth is the pain I feel inside when I really do have time to think about this gap in my life is immense.
It bubbles up all around me. It sucks me in and I can’t see clearly. It makes everything else appear less sparkly. Then I feel guilty for letting these silly thoughts scribble over everything I have now. How can this happen? How can a confident, funny, ambitious girl like me have these destructive thoughts about being alone?
This is why I am actively changing 2017. I am going out there. I am doing things I would never have dreamed of needing to do. I am making choices and plans to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I want to do it, just me. I don’t need my love to help me along, I can do this on my own.
I have come to realise that it isn’t a bad thing to want a change in your life, and if something happens that changes the direction you thought you were going in then you CAN change direction again. And again. And again!
So where are we now… February 2017. So far I have:
- Joined a yoga and wellbeing group (never EVER having done yoga before, it was kinda weird. I thought I would have time to chin wag… no! Instead I copied everyone windmill swinging their arms for a warm up, and did a strange mouth stretch ending with an extended laugh/yawn before we fully dived into tree moves, elephant walks and signs to the sun?!)
- Signed up to an online pen-pal website… again strange experience. I wrote my bio, re-read it a thousand times to make sure the world knew I just wanted to chat about Harry Potter / gin / Netflix, and finally posted my ad. WELL! This is why we have stranger danger isn’t it. Bloody hell! 100% of the replies I received genuinely were an attempt to marry me. I mean come on!
- Opened a second WordPress account… going well so far. I am still feeling the euphoric buzz that is writing for the world. However, a few weeks this may be different.
I am so happy with my progress. I mean I am learning along the way, don’t get me wrong (lets leave the pen-pal site well alone!). I have yet to make new life long friends however, I am sure this will happen in time (someone told me after uni the next time you make friends is when you have a baby… I’ll ask my love what she thinks?!)
What can I add to my list for the year?
I’ll keep you updated 🙂